Happy Birthday, Mama

Me and my siblings, Mother's Day 2007 (I'm in the green dress)

Today is my mama's birthday. She would have been 64 years young.

Yesterday we went to my mom's favorite restaurant, Gladstone's in Malibu. It is where we used to go every year for her birthday and it's also where we spread her ashes in the ocean on Mother's Day in 2007, 2 weeks after she past away.

In addition to her ashes, we also tossed rose petals in the ocean, and poured one of Gladstone's delicious Bloody Mary's into the ocean in my mama's honor.

March 12, 2011 Gladstone's Malibu

March 12, 2011 Gladstone's Malibu

March 12, 2011 Gladstone's Malibu

My life is so much different now. When my mama passed away I was 24 and pregnant with my first child. To say I was devastated by her death would be a gross understatement. Even this year, when I had my birthday in February, exactly 1 month ago, I had a brief lapse and wondered why my mom hadn't called me yet to wish me a happy birthday. Duh.

Having kids makes me miss her all the more. I constantly want to show them off to her, tell her about the new things they are able to do, show her how cute they are, ask her what she would have done when I'm having trouble. I want to know how long she breastfed me, what kind of diapers she used, did she have trouble breastfeeding ever? I wanted her to be there when I birthed my boys. I want her to babysit my kids like she used to do for my older sisters. I want her to be there for me when I'm feeling sad and depressed. I want to show her my new home, I know she would have loved it. I want to get gardening advice from her and see how proud she would have been of me and my home and family. She always had such a green thumb.

My mom was amazing. I miss her so much and the majority of my sadness at her passing is simply my own selfishness and self pity at losing one of my favorite people in the whole world, much before I was ready to lose her. It doesn't help that I know she wasn't even remotely prepared to leave just quite yet. She was terrified of dying, and we had no idea that was what was going to happen till mere days before she was suddenly in ICU on life support. I have a lot of anger toward the many, many unorganized doctors that tended to my mom in her last months. But my anger is pointless and has accomplished absolutely nothing, other than making me terrified of ending up in the same hospital should my homebirth go awry (since that exact crappy hospital was the closest one, and also the one I was born in, following my mother's failed attempt to homebirth me way back when).

I love you mama, and miss you so, so much. I could never imagine a life without you and I still can't. I was driving in the car today and one of Chris' mix CD's came up. Suicidal Tendencies, "I Saw Your Mommy" came on. I realized how different I felt towards the song now that my mommy was gone, way before I was ready! Fuck that stupid, stupid song.

I'm not a happy camper today, worse than I have been in a long time. And that's okay. I'm allowed to be sad and cry and drink my way through today. I wanted to just drink my sorrows away when she was sick and passed away so suddenly, but I was pregnant and couldn't. Today is the one day a year I can justify wallowing in self-pity and sadness over losing one of my most favorite people.

Cheers, my wonderful Mamacita